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When a Diagnosis Leaves you Feeling a Little Depressed

As you know, its been quite some time since I've written anything. And it hasn't been because I've been busy or wanting to say goodbye to blogging, its because I wanted to process, to accept and maybe understand. To heal and feel as close to myself as possible. To search for the words, which I don't think I have quite found yet.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Even if it's what we have been searching for and asking for, for months. When we truly know in our heart and through our intuition that something just isn't quite right in our beautiful bodies, we search for the answers and that is just what I did. It caused me to go inwards and hide out a little bit. But I'm ready to speak up.

As most of you may know if you have been following my journey for some time, last year I suffered a miscarriage very early on and it was also at this time that I found out I had an ovarian cyst. No biggie. But I also was suffering with extremely painful periods, heavy bleeding, exhaustion, moodiness, terrible cravings, migraines, and bad cramps. I just knew that something was wrong every month when my moon cycle started up again, or worse when it didn't show up at all. I've spent the past 6 months telling doctors, "This is not right, and NO, I do not want to be put on birth control until you can tell me what the hell is wrong with me!" and searching for answers.

After ultrasound after ultrasound, blood work after blood work, continuously reading and researching and finally becoming so weak after bleeding to the point of fainting for over 30 days, I went to emerge and spent a couple of days in the hospital on an IV recouping and rehydrating. Thanks to incredible medicine that stopped the bleeding, and some hardcore supplements, I was feeling well enough to go back to work after a week. During this time, I had more blood work and another ultrasound in the hospital and FINALLY was given an answer. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I was expecting and to be honest, I was a little heart broken (and still am). I figured they would tell me that I had another ovarian cyst or that mine had gotten bigger, and that it needed to be removed. But instead, the doctor said "The good news is its not cancer, but you have endometriosis and adenomyosis."

Now, I'm not the type that wants the doctor to sugar coat things and I want them to talk to me like I have a brain and an education in health, but adenomyosis was a new one for me. I had read lots about endometriosis and was already close to tears because of that, and when he explained adenomyosis and I googled it in the waiting room, it took every ounce of will power not to cry right there in front of probably 50 people in the waiting room. A nurse came out, gave me my referral paper work and off I went.

My little man took care of me with snuggles and love all week.

For those of you who don't know, here is what endo and adeno are:

Endometriosiss an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus

Adenomyosis occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, exists within and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. The displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — thickening, breaking down and bleeding — during each menstrual cycle. An enlarged uterus and painful, heavy periods can result. (And the even scarier fact: or women who experience severe discomfort from adenomyosis, certain treatments can help, but hysterectomy is the only cure - I was reading, and all I could think of was WHAT THE EFF, I'm 23 years old with no children, why is this happening to me?)

What was even scarier is that 25-50% of women who suffer from infertility in an National Institutes of Health study had endometriosis, and approximately 30-50% of women with endometriosis are infertile. That number climbs even higher when paired with adenomyosis and others reproductive disorders such as polycystic ovarian syndrome.

So at 23 years old, being diagnosed with this just plain old sucks. Scratch that - it fucking sucks. I'm now a week post-diagnosis, and wondering how the heck this could have happened, and just trying to stay calm as I wait to see a specialist. But I will say, I have never felt so alone, broken and sad, except when I miscarried. There is something about being told you have a chance of being infertile to make you feel less of a woman, especially when you have baby fever REALLY bad.

I'm finding it very difficult to put into words how I'm feeling at the moment, but I just know that there are more women out there just like me, struggling to put the words and feelings together. I know that there are people out there, who are asking the same questions as me : why? And for me, sharing is about creating a conversation where people can speak out and just process what they are feeling, or share experiences, and thats what I'm going to do: share and be vocal about my own experiences because the truth and connection are so integral to growth, healing and really feeling like you can deal with what life throws at you.

So this is definitely a to be continued story. Stay tuned.

Also, since this was all the #truth I have to share:

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