Saying goodbye to the good girl
I’ve always been the good girl. However, if you asked people in my high school they would say differently. I’ve always been exceptionally well behaved, my biggest regrets include not doing half of which was said about me in high school. I was scared of being judged and in the process was judged anyways. Slut. Whore. All sorts of awful names. Deep down I was this shy, fragile and careful young girl terrified of the consequences. So I waited for things, I didn’t party more than a few times, I worked a lot, and I spent my evenings at home reading, writing, studying or binging on DVDs.
Over the past few years, and especially the past few months, a new me is unfolding. Or let’s rephrase that, the authentic unleashed, wise, wild woman me. I’ve been called or pulled to a new way. I’m in a committed and supportive relationship, with a man who adores me and thinks its endearing the way I explore my own personality and growth. A man who pulls me back down to earth when I get a little too out there and crazy. Who has my back. So I feel absolutely supported when I want to dive deeper into my self. To explore my own depths. To come home with books called Rise Sister Rise, Vitamin O, Pussy: A Reclamation, books about feminine energy, chakras, sex.
Do you need a man for this? Absolutely not. But you do need a tribe. And I’ve lucked out with both. A man that has been one of my greatest teachers, and girlfriends who get me (and even when they don’t support me). So when the call came to say goodbye to my good girl, and hello to the wise, wild woman - I felt safe to go for it. I’m owning my happiness, my pleasure, my desires, and my body. I am feeling the earth encouraging me to let go of the chains of perfectionism, the rugs have been pulled out from beneath me and it is becoming harder and harder to be inauthentic. I am lovingly shown to beautiful women mentors and teachers who encourage me to go deep.
To release my good girl, I’ve explored through dance, reclaiming feminine power, ritual, self care, complete honesty with myself and authenticity with others, being unapologetic about my desires, journaling, and focusing on pleasure and embodiment. It’s also been extremely important to let go of the negative thought patterns that I have been conditioned to think: I’m too fat, I’m too ugly, I can’t do that because of this, this or that, I’m not sexy, I’m not allowed to be sexy, that makes me seem this way or that way, what will this person think, I am not deserving, pleasure is selfish, and so on.
The only way to do this is to whole heartedly want to be free, to unleash your wise wild woman and blossom into your highest feminine potential. To begin, here’s a little prayer for you:
I pray for the courage to walk naked at any age, to wear red and purple, to be unladylike, inappropriate, scandalous and incorrect, to the very end - Gloria Steinem
I want you to get into a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in through your nose. Release through your mouth with a sigh. Do this several times, and then breath in and out softly from your nose. I want you to picture a woman. This woman is you. I want you to picture her moving her body, dancing to the music. Picture her smiling, and lovingly enjoying what her body can do. Picture her standing in front of a mirror saying “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Picture a woman surrounded by beautiful white light. Rising from the fire, and shedding the skin of the old, emotionally tired good girl. What emerges is a beautiful, radiant, confident woman in love with her own body. Her own mind. A passionate, loving, being of light. That being is you. She is embodied. Loved. Free.
Come back to this meditation daily. And when you are ready, open your eyes. Look at yourself in the mirror today with new eyes. Be patient and kind. Be gentle to yourself. This is where we begin. And then we dive deeper through self care practices, movement, pleasure practices and sisterhood. I challenge you to do three things this week that push your boundaries and expand your horizons. Do something you have been scared of, or hesitant to try until you love your body. Until you are your goal weight. Until you are this or this or that thing. Let those all go and just do it. Release that scared little good girl and allow yourself to step into the woman your body craves to be. Embrace your curves. Embrace your desires.
Nourishment begins within.