The Divorce Diaries Ep. 2

September 14, 2018

I promised humour last time, and I promise you are going to get it. When all of this divorce stuff was going down, I approached it in the way I approach most shitty things in life - with a dark and twisted sense of humour. At first, I think it made me friends and coworkers a little uncomfortable - until they realized I was genuinely laughing and they all laughed with me (thanks guys). For instance, I remember a particular night out for dinner with my friends H and T where I was still wearing my ring, I didn't know about the other woman, and he was still acting like he just needed "time to think" (which by the way, is bullshit unless they want to see a marriage counsellor with you to talk it all through). 

 

I was still wearing my wedding ring, and I remember being asked how things were going - and I simply responding by saying "well, I'm being ghosted by my own husband ... so pretty good". I chuckled as a I said it, but there was horrified looks all around the table. "Oh come on guys, thats actually funny." And when they realized it was safe to laugh, we all laughed very very hard. And it started a discussion of the horrible dating culture that has been created thanks to dating apps and truth be told - our addiction to technology. In fact, when he told me how he was feeling - it came through texts. Literally. Text messages. 

 

It reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City where Burger breaks up with 
Carrie on a post-it, but in the modern age. See image below for clarity. (BY THE WAY it says "I'm sorry I can't"). 

 

 

Unfortunately for me, this joke was lost on a number of people because they do not share the same love of this show as me. I remember being HORRIFIED that someone would use a post-it to end a relationship, and although yes, I too have ended a relationship via text message (sorry dude you were nuts), I never in a million years anyone would end a marriage that way. Truth be told - I don't think anything would surprise me anymore, when it comes to the horrible things people can do. 

 

When I was discussing ideas for this blog series with girlfriends, I came up with a list of the wrong ways to end a marriage. Because I truly believe there are right and wrong ways to do it.

For instance, some right ways would be open  communication and probably a relationship therapist who helps you not treat each other like actual garbage, and end things with a shred of kindness. Here my friends, was my list of ways not to end a marriage by way of personal experience: 

 

  • lie 

  • cheat

  • use your spouse for $$ 

  • break the news over texts 

  • steal their parents tools 

  • let them think your coming back 

  • impregnate someone else 

  • show up in the new girls car to pick up your shit 

  • lie to your friends faces 

  • blame everything on the other person

  • shit talk other person 


Basically - heres what NOT TO DO : be a shitty person. Doesn't seem to unreasonable. All I can think of after saying this list and now typing it, is this emoji: 

 

 

I have used it so many damn times, when people ask me questions - specifically the one "why?" or "what the fuck?" , because I don't have a fucking clue. 

 

Marriage is hard, relationships are hard. We are all imperfect human beings trying our darnedest to be happy AF. And sometimes we fall short. So I don't know, maybe try to be kind. All I'm saying ladies and gents. 

 

Honestly, the amount of times I've told this story to girlfriends and get started and we have to stop the conversation because they say "Oh god, we're gonna need another bottle of wine", has been staggering. Seriously, I think stocks in organic wines (and let's face it wine in general) have SKYROCKETED since this all went down. 

 

Truthfully, after not drinking for a year (and P.S if you choose not to drink for health or whatever other personal reason - that is 100% OK and amazing), being able to drink wine and chat with my girlfriends has been epically fun. I don't think there is much that cannot be fixed with wine (or sangria) and your best friends. Oh and laughter is the best medicine. 100% true. Trust me. 

 

 

 

 

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