The Divorce Diaries Ep. 7
I can't believe we are already here. Episode 7. The time has just flown by. This is going to be a post about me sharing resources and tools to maybe make your divorce or break up easier on you, and just to remind you that sometimes marriages and relationships fail. As a warning - this post is going to be all over the place. It's basically a list of all the things you can do/use to get through. It's not pretty or concise, but its all here.
First off, I really loved this post from Bad Girls Bible called No More I Love Yous, about the top 7 reasons for divorce. I have to admit, I truly believe divorces are a combination of these things. I know mine definitely resulted from a large combination of these things (especially in my opinion). My ex and I don't speak, and he never actually said anything to my face about how he was feelings, so its all speculation. We ended our relationship cold turkey.
I also wanted to add this post - Is He Cheating: 10 Terrible Signs of Infidelity and say this: 1000 percent. Each and every one of these on the list was how it went down in my house. And I want to remind you (man or woman whoever is reading this), if you think your spouse or partner is cheating, you are most likely correct. Trust your intuition - I did not.
This post is kinda everything.
I also really loved reading Love Warrior by Glennon Melton Doyle (sob fest for me, not gonna lie), which had a really strong message both about cheating, divorce, but on taking care of yourself.
I read and continue to read a lot of books on relationships since during my marriage, and afterwards. The one I seriously recommend all couples read and work through (and what I think could have made a huge difference for my relationship) is The 5 Love Languages. This might not make a lot of sense but we all show love and want to receive love in different ways. For me, I'm a touchy feely kinda person - so physical touch is my number one way I love to receive love. Hugs, kissing, cuddles, touch my butt, sex - the works. My other top ones were words of affirmation and quality time. For me, gifts were at the bottom of the list (a thing most guys don't seem to get). HOWEVER, if you have someone who feels loved the most when it comes to acts of service, and you try and show love how you want it, they might not just feel totally loved and accepted. The book is great, and its something I will carry forward for me for life.
This post was particularly helpful and insightful. My biggest take away from divorce and separation is this: stop focusing on what you should be doing or what people expect of you, and focus on what you want to do AND do more of what makes you uncomfortable. I started taking myself on solo dates to the movies, coffee shops, dinner - whatever. At first it felt uncomfortable, foreign and lonely AF. I felt like I was the loser who couldn't find anyone to do things with her (even though the truth of the matter is I had tons of friends that were frustrated I didn't ask them to go with me). You gotta do you. If you aren't happy alone, you won't be happy in a partnership - no matter how great they are.
Find or get yourself some kick ass playlists for all your moods. I'm not going to lie for two months all I could listen to was extremely aggressive and angry music, which I soon entitled Wanna Punch Shit music. I couldn't listen to anything else. Anything else made me angry or sad or both, and I had no desire to show up in tears to work every day. I slowly made my way to empowering female voices like Demi Lovato, Carrie Underwood, and a variety of R+B songs, before making a playlist called Revenge Body for while I worked out. Until finally, I could listen to it all. I found joy again in country music and love songs. And now, I'm exploring and finding new things to love. The songs we used to sing on long drives, or the ones he sang to me to make me smile (or turn me on), no longer have the same effect. But find yourself music that feels good to you.
I also found that I was attracting high vibe Instagram accounts this whole time, that were strong women that I had NO IDEA had gone through divorce, or were going through divorce and found their footing. One of the ones I really want to mention here is @holisticfashionista. I've been following her since before I got married, and she is a spiritual, fashion forward, epic business woman and I adore her. She recently posted this and my heart just grew.
I have to admit, I really found my chakra blocks since becoming single. I realized that my root and throat chakras were blocked AF, so seeing this - I suppose I felt less and alone and validated.
I wanted to link this ENTIRE page of HuffPost. Its entitled Divorce in your Twenties. And I totally devoured several posts on this page. This post in particular hit home for me. It's about the hardest part about dating as a divorced 20-something, and to be honest SO damn true. And this post, hit me right in the feels and I think I felt so strongly that this was EXACTLY what I wish I could tell people, I almost cried.
I want to end on a piece of advice I received that has honestly been the most important to me. I promise I'll add to this post as I find new resources, but for now let me leave you with this: everything happens for a damn reason. Life isn't happening to you, it's happening for you. You WILL get through this, and it's not the end of the world. You aren't broken, you aren't damaged, and you don't need to hold onto the baggage - you can let it go. It may take some time to see the other side, but I promise you - it is worth it and so rewarding.